Thank you for your message.
Rest assured, despite the overheated rhetoric [THAT THE CITY OF NEW YORK IS WAGING] – Uber is welcome in New York City. There are – and there will be going forward – more for-hire cars and drivers on our roads than ever before [MUCH TO OUR CONSTERNATION AND DESPITE OUR BEST EFFORTS].
The reality is that today in New York City, Uber – a $40 billion corporation [BIG EVIL CORPORATION INVOCATION, CONTRAST WITH THE $500 BILLION CORPORATION THAT IS THE CITY OF NEW YORK]– is spending millions on a misleading political campaign to convince New Yorkers that it doesn’t need more oversight from the City. [MUCH LIKE THE MISLEADING POLITICAL ADS AND THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN WE ARE RUNNING]
Meanwhile, there are serious questions about how Uber treats its customers, its workers, and whether it is flooding New York City’s already heavily-crowded streets with thousands of more vehicles. [I WON’T MENTION THAT REMOVING 1/2 OF THE OVERPRICED TAXIS (AS A RESULT OF OVERPRICED EXTORTION MEDALLIONS) THROUGH COMPETITION AND WE’D BE GOOD]
New Yorkers deserve [DESERVE IS AN EXTORTION KEYWORD] a real examination of whether Uber drivers are treated fairly [WE WON’T MENTION THAT UBER DRIVERS HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIND ANY OF MANY OTHER EMPLOYERS IF THEY ARE NOT TREATED FAIRLY, AND LET’S FACE IT, WE DON’T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THIS, IT’S JUST A FAUX-SYMPATHETIC TALKING POINT]; whether customers are protected against discrimination [IMPLYING WITHOUT ANY BASIS SOME KIND OF RACISM WHICH, FOR US LIBERALS, ALWAYS IS A LIE, BUT IT’S ALL WE HAVE]; whether Uber and other for-hire services will provide accessibility for the disabled [NO PROOF OTHERWISE AND THERE ARE SERVICES FOR THE DISABLED, THIS IS YET ANOTHER LIE TO FAKE SYMPATHY, THE DUMB LIBERAL VOTERS WILL BUY IT], which they don’t do reliably today [JUST OUR STANDARD BS]; and whether New York City streets will become even more clogged as tens of thousands [EFFECTIVE HYSTERIA AND OVER-ESTIMATION, AND COMPLETELY WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING OF BASIC LOGIC, BUT PEOPLE ARE DUMB] of more vehicles enter the market.
The City has a responsibility to keep people safe [PEOPLE HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP THEMSELVES SAFE, THE CITY HAS A RESPONSIBILITY TO UPHOLD THE LAW, NOTHING MORE], to ensure workers and customers are treated fairly [NO PROOF THEY’RE NOT], to keep our streets moving [NO PROOF THEY’RE NOT], and to keep our economy competitive [THAT’S THE VERY LAST THING DEBLASIO AND LIBERALS LIKE HIM WANT]. That is why the City is supporting a temporary [SEE IF WE GET AWAY WITH IT POLITICALLY BEFORE WE DIG TOO DEEP] growth limit on new for-hire vehicles added to our streets, including those operated by Uber, while it can study [FUDGE EVERY NUMBER, WITHOUT EVERY EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY AND MANIPULATE THE PUBLIC WITH HYSTERIA AND CRIES OF UNFAIRNESS, SO THAT WE CAN SECRETS DEFEND THE INSTITUTIONS WHO LINE OUR POCKETS] their real impact over a short period of time.
Contrary to the misinformation out there [ESPECIALLY THIS LETTER], no one is banning Uber or ending it as you know it [BUT WE SURE WISH WE COULD GET AWAY WITH IT, WE’LL TRY AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES]. The service you use today will continue to be there tomorrow, the day after, and in the months ahead [BU IDEALLY WE’LL HAVE IT GONE BY YEAR END OR EARLY NEXT YEAR TO PAY OFF OUR CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTORS IN KIND]. We want passengers to continue to have access to the ever-improving service that companies like Uber are helping to provide [NOT A CHANCE, STATUS QUO AND MONEY FLOW IS ALL THAT MATTERS].
But no company, no matter how big it is [LIKE THE CITY OF NEW YORK AS IT UTTERLY DWARFS UBER AND ALL OTHERS COMBINED] or how much it spends on ads [OR HOW MUCH WE ABUSE OUR OFFICES WITH PROPAGANDA AGAINST PRIVATE ENTERPRISE], has a blank check to skirt vital protections and oversight for New Yorkers [OR ESCAPE OUR GREEDY NANNY CONTROL AND FEE EXTORTION]. Protecting New Yorkers’ health and safety remains our [OPTIONAL OUTCOME] first priority, and the City’s responsibility is to establish basic rules [ABUSE THE LEGISLATURE AND GROW THE OVERREACH OF GOVERNMENT] to do exactly that.
And all companies have to play by them. [EXCEPT LIBERALS, UNIONS, AND OTHER CROOKS]
Tony Shorris
First Deputy Mayor